Feet Scraping and Wooden Shrimp.

I heard the phrases "feet scraping" and "wooden shrimp" being tossed around the office, so I summoned my bossed and interrogated him.

C- That, and she threw in two free wooden shrimp.

Smiley- -giggling-

C- Thought it was a good deal. Feet feel great. Smell like shrimp though. So, she had two, and still does, apparently… so, she has two of those vicious… you know, cycles. Pure evil. Bad news. But she’s… an exceptionally high I.Q.! Uh, but it doesn’t matter, she can’t control her emotions, she damages everything she touches, she’s like a squall line. She’s bad.

Agent 99- What’s a squall line?

C- It’s a… straight line winds and thunderstorms, everything it moves across it just -whispers- fucks up!

Smiley and Agent 99- -burst into laughing-

Smiley- So er’rything she go across she just… ha-ha!

C- yeah… yeah.

Agent 99- So, how did you get on the topic of wooden shrimp?

C- He came in and asked me about wooden shrimp so I made up a story to go with it!

Agent 99- Waa…Well… who brought up the wooden shrimp in the first place?

C- Yesterday there was an email, Bean Mother* wanted to see UVM** and I both, and it was late in the day. Uhm… and I… UVM said he was in Texas and it would be 5:30 or 6:00 before he got back over here and I said I was having my feet scraped. So… could we do it this morning at 10 o’clock after my -place name omitted- meeting. And UVM said “Man! I wish I had time to have my feet scraped!” And I said “There’s a little old Indian woman on the side of the road down by Cuh-Shotta***, sells wooden shrimp figurines.”

Smiley- Oh my goodness.

C- And so I told that story. And apparently it’s made it around, as you can see.

Agent 99- So everyone wants to know about the wooden shrimp.

C- That’s the first time I’ve had it reverberated to me.

Agent 99- But you don’t actually have any wooden shrimp?

C- No, they burned up, remember?

Agent 99- Oh. I think I need one.

C- I made up the whole thing.

Agent 99- No you didn’t.

C- You can check my feet if you want.

Agent 99- What did you get scraped off of them?

C- Nothing, I made that up too.

Agent 99- Oh. Well you know, they make Ped-Eggs.

C- I know.

Agent 99- I have one, its still in the package.

C- I’m afraid of them.

Agent 99- Yeah well my um… my step mom, and it’s a true story, she was shaving dead skin off of my dads feet, with a razor, and she cut him. I think she did it on purpose.

C- Probably.

Agent 99- she was an evil malicious person.

C- Well, my feet are perfectly flat. Observe. See how evenly I’m wearing the sole of my… It’s… uncanny! But, it has nothing whatsoever to do with shrimp, wooden or otherwise. And I don’t have a problem with my feet. The Air-Force wouldn’t take me but they regretted it -cough- supposedly, flat feet cause great pain. Not me, never had a problem.

* Most prominent bean counter woman around here.

** UVM stands for unexpected voice man. His voice is very deep. You don’t expect it.

*** Cuh-Shotta. AKA Cow-Shitta. Worst place ever. My best friend HATES this place and believes that if the apocalypse were to happen, this place would be the first on the map to be obliterated.

Office humor and the absence of animals.

At my office, every day is guaranteed to have a hilariously ridiculous dialog thrown in... somewhere. That's just really the way it goes here. You have to have a whack job sense of humor to work here. I've reiterated a few of my daily conversations to my pals, and one of them suggested, "HEY! Blog it!"

So... this is what I am doing!

We'll start with this piece, it happened a few weeks ago. The back-story of this one is that we were having a conversation about the women of the H-town office. They were bickering and fighting, CCing The Boss Man on all of their emails and squabbling like banshees into his blackberry. I got the bright idea to capture the tail end of our conversation about it afterwards, and although I missed the bulk of it, I figured what I had was enough for anyone to read and giggle. I wish I had the exact quote that had to do with procuring a full time gynecologist and Dr. Phil to be on site at all times for the women savages that work in the H-town office.

C- …I guess, I don’t know. Virginia’s cool… to me. Some People don’t like Mrs. Doubtfire*.

Smiley**- Oh yeah?

C- Yeah, maybe because she makes them eat their peas, I don’t know.

Smiley- Mmmhmm.

C- Y’all know more about this woman thing than I do... It’s a bad deal. Its scary. There are no animals within a five acre block of that office. Animals are scared, just like they know there’s an earthquake coming or something.

Smiley- giggling- he talking about them animals, ha-ha!

C- No animals... birds don’t fly around that building. Next time you’re there, just notice. I stood out there just yesterday, and I wonder why there are no birds… chirping… you got to get out to the other side of the yard and you can see the birds, I looked for opossum signs, there’s no opossums, there’s no… what the hell is going on with that? And you know I was out there trying to find a frog for you***, I had to go to the other side to find a frog... frogs are plentiful! There’s a creek right by the car wash, the wash bay… no frogs there! Not on that property... So what is it? you’re just looking at me like I’m crazy. But… It’s a bad deal. Man. The good lord even says… Oh... I don’t know, I cant help you with that!

Agent 99****: you’re silly.

[-/end recording-]

*Mrs. Doubtfire isn't a savage, she was brought in to try to wrangle and tame the banshee clique. She's pretty radical, and she is a horsewoman like me.

**Smiley is called Smiley because she is always happy, always smiling, and probably also because she has two gold teeth. She is pretty much always a bright ray of sunshine, personality wise.

***A few days before this, I was incredibly IRATE because one of our company's silly bean counters was blatantly WRONG about something and was arguing with me about it, despite incredible proof that she was wrong. I kept emailing C and blowing up his blackberry with my momentary banshee blathering. He told me that the best thing to make me feel better would be to go outside, find a frog, and pee on it. After all, frogs pee on us any chance that they get, so it does makes sense.es

**** My code name is derived from the spy spoof television show, Get Smart! C thinks that I remind him of/am a lot like Barbara Feldon's character in demeanor. -shrug- It makes for a catchy alias.