Feet Scraping and Wooden Shrimp.

I heard the phrases "feet scraping" and "wooden shrimp" being tossed around the office, so I summoned my bossed and interrogated him.

C- That, and she threw in two free wooden shrimp.

Smiley- -giggling-

C- Thought it was a good deal. Feet feel great. Smell like shrimp though. So, she had two, and still does, apparently… so, she has two of those vicious… you know, cycles. Pure evil. Bad news. But she’s… an exceptionally high I.Q.! Uh, but it doesn’t matter, she can’t control her emotions, she damages everything she touches, she’s like a squall line. She’s bad.

Agent 99- What’s a squall line?

C- It’s a… straight line winds and thunderstorms, everything it moves across it just -whispers- fucks up!

Smiley and Agent 99- -burst into laughing-

Smiley- So er’rything she go across she just… ha-ha!

C- yeah… yeah.

Agent 99- So, how did you get on the topic of wooden shrimp?

C- He came in and asked me about wooden shrimp so I made up a story to go with it!

Agent 99- Waa…Well… who brought up the wooden shrimp in the first place?

C- Yesterday there was an email, Bean Mother* wanted to see UVM** and I both, and it was late in the day. Uhm… and I… UVM said he was in Texas and it would be 5:30 or 6:00 before he got back over here and I said I was having my feet scraped. So… could we do it this morning at 10 o’clock after my -place name omitted- meeting. And UVM said “Man! I wish I had time to have my feet scraped!” And I said “There’s a little old Indian woman on the side of the road down by Cuh-Shotta***, sells wooden shrimp figurines.”

Smiley- Oh my goodness.

C- And so I told that story. And apparently it’s made it around, as you can see.

Agent 99- So everyone wants to know about the wooden shrimp.

C- That’s the first time I’ve had it reverberated to me.

Agent 99- But you don’t actually have any wooden shrimp?

C- No, they burned up, remember?

Agent 99- Oh. I think I need one.

C- I made up the whole thing.

Agent 99- No you didn’t.

C- You can check my feet if you want.

Agent 99- What did you get scraped off of them?

C- Nothing, I made that up too.

Agent 99- Oh. Well you know, they make Ped-Eggs.

C- I know.

Agent 99- I have one, its still in the package.

C- I’m afraid of them.

Agent 99- Yeah well my um… my step mom, and it’s a true story, she was shaving dead skin off of my dads feet, with a razor, and she cut him. I think she did it on purpose.

C- Probably.

Agent 99- she was an evil malicious person.

C- Well, my feet are perfectly flat. Observe. See how evenly I’m wearing the sole of my… It’s… uncanny! But, it has nothing whatsoever to do with shrimp, wooden or otherwise. And I don’t have a problem with my feet. The Air-Force wouldn’t take me but they regretted it -cough- supposedly, flat feet cause great pain. Not me, never had a problem.

* Most prominent bean counter woman around here.

** UVM stands for unexpected voice man. His voice is very deep. You don’t expect it.

*** Cuh-Shotta. AKA Cow-Shitta. Worst place ever. My best friend HATES this place and believes that if the apocalypse were to happen, this place would be the first on the map to be obliterated.